Feeling defeated :(
My husband and I are struggling with a very hard decision regarding our oldest daughter, Savarnah at the moment. We have been going over and over it for about a year now or probably even longer really but today I made an appointment to take Savarnah to see our pediatrician about getting her medication to calm her down. We know that it could take some time to find one that is right for her and it could make her worse before it makes her better. But we have tried and tried with Savarnah, her behaviour is just such that I don’t believe we are ever going to make any headway with her. She has been having issues at school as you know but this is just the latest in a long line of issues. The child that was bullying her has been banned from leaving one area of the playground and things have been ok there as far as I know, but if it is not her then it will just be someone or something else. Savarnah is the ultimate drama queen so there will always be something.
Last night at her swimming lesson she was mucking around being silly as she often does and the teacher said to her “Savarnah you are the oldest one in this group and you are acting like a baby”. It was true, maybe it sounds harsh but I was glad that she said it, there are not many that do. Most people whether they are her teachers or other adults just humour her, they smile that smile, the one that you know means that they think she’s ridiculous but they wont say it.
Savarnah has been having swimming lessons since she was 2 years old – she still can’t swim. Her brothers swim laps of a 25m pool and she can barely keep her head above water, this is despite having 6 years of swimming lessons. Savarnah can’t swim for various reasons, she has low muscle tone, she has diminished lung capacity but the real reason why Savarnah can’t swim is because she cannot focus long enough to follow the instructions. Year after year I poor money down the drain in the hope that one day it will just sink in. Unfortunately Savarnah is likely to sink before that happens!
Most people who know Savarnah think that she is just a normal kid, and it does seem that way at first but spend some time with her and you will soon realise that she is not. Savarnah is like an annoying noise, like a tic that wont go away. She is 8 years old but she behaves as if she is 3, that is not a lie, her almost 3 year old sister behaves better than she does. The affect that Savarnah’s behaviour has on our family is evident to us, she annoys her brothers to absolute distraction. Her younger sister copies her behaviour and she drives her father and myself up the wall. The silly noises, the standing on her head constantly, the loud audible sighing, the opera singing at the top of her lungs, the fake crying, the crazed laughing, the newly acquired imaginery friend. The other day she announced that she was going to start smoking when she is old enough. Great news for someone with chronic lung disease!! There is no common sense with Savarnah, there is no reasoning. She lies, makes up stories, steals. She has learned helplessness, which basically means that she is lazy. She will not do anything that she is asked to do, she wont even try to do things like open cans, bottles, lift heavy bags etc….all of this is too hard! Getting her ready for school in the morning is a daily ordeal, every step she needs to do has to be told to her over and over and over and still she will turn up at school hair a mess, teeth unbrushed. She doesn’t care, she can’t be bothered. I have reached the stage where I will no longer nag Savarnah to do her jobs, if she gets to school with nothing done and no school bag then that is her problem. At 8 years old she should be able to take some responsibility for herself. Her brothers constantly nag her to do things but I have told them it’s not their problem.
I feel that I am hard on her but I have no choice, if I wasn’t on Savarnah’s case all the time then she would be a mess. The way that she behaves is so erratic, one minute she is deleriously happy to the point where she seems quite crazed and the next she will be flying off the handle screaming and crying. It is a constant roller coaster of emotions with her and it can be quite difficult to live with. This is why my husband and I have decided that we are willing to go down the road of medication for her. We are well aware of the seriousness of this and it has not been easy for us but it has reached a stage where we feel that not only is it going to be what is best for her but also for the rest of our family aswell. It is not fair that her siblings should have to be subjected to the kind of behaviour that she portrays and I don’t like the effect that it is having on our relationship with her. Her brothers are sick to death of her, they are forever asking me why does she do that? I can’t make them understand , they know that she has autism, we all know that but if doesn’t make her any easier to live with.
I feel defeated, I feel that I have lost the battle. I know that it is silly but I have tried so hard all of her life to help her to be a normal child. I think that I have always felt that if I only tried hard enough she would be ok. But I have reached the point now where I can’t do anymore. I need to try and do something to make all of our lives easier and this is the only way I know how to do that now. I am sad but I am even sadder about what this has done to my relationship with my daughter.
There’s a maniac on the loose!
For us there is one sure sign that our two year old is getting sick, she turns into an out of control maniac! Sienna suffers from tonsilitis ALOT, I mean she probably gets it on average once or twice a month. The only signs that we get that she is actually sick is her behaviour. She can have raging tonsilitis and an ear infection and not actually present as being sick! She doesn’t often get temperatures, there is no coughing, no runny nose. None of the usual signs of a child being sick, it is very frustrating because it usually means that it takes us a good few days before we realise what’s going on. Her behaviour just gets worse and worse, she gets very nasty, scratching the other kids and being very naughty and destructive.
So of course you can guess what’s going on in our house at the moment, there is a maniac toddler on the loose. I have taken her to the doctor yet again this morning (after waiting for an hour!) finally we have a referral to the ENT!! I know that this isn’t really exciting news but I think that having her tonsils out is going to be the only solution for Sienna. She has had recurring tonsilitis since she was probably 6 months old and has been on antibiotics so many times I have lost count. The problem that we now have is that her little body can no longer tolerate them and any type of antibiotic gives her horrendous diarrhea. So while the antibiotics clear up her tonsilitis it reacts horribly with her so we are constantly changing her nappy and because she is pooing so much it burns her bottom so changing her becomes a traumatic experience for both of us! It also interrupts the toilet training process because I just can’t have her in undies while this is going on. Not that we are having a lot of luck anyway but it is another setback. Sienna is very good about it all but it isn’t nice for her to have to go through this once a month at least. She gets to the stage where she will come and say to me “I’ve done another poo – again!! Poor little pickle 
So I am sort of happy about this latest development, I have an appointment tomorrow to see the specialist so we shall see what he says about it. I am hoping that he will go ahead and do it though because right now it seems to me like we don’t have a choice.
Alexis & Oliver
I recently had the pleasure of meeting this lovely family. Other than my own I have never photographed twins before, I had forgotten what it is like having two little sets of arms and legs waving around and two heads going in different directions. These two are six months old and both twins were gorgeous and very well behaved. We had a lot of fun and they were very cute! Their Mum and Dad, David and Naomi were lovely relaxed parents and I could see why the babies were so happy.
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Hold you children even tighter tonight
When I heard about the tragedy that happened today in Brisbane a chill went up my spine and immediately I thought of my own baby girl, I knew that she was at home safe with her Father but still I wanted to go home and hold her tight. Our children trust us implicitly, without judgement, without question until we give them reason not to.
What must a Father have been thinking to have taken his two year old son from his bed at 3am, put him on the back of his bike, ride to the top of a bridge and throw himself and his baby over the edge?? I cannot even begin to contemplate what this man was feeling to do this. We will never know, tonight there is a Mother out there whose baby boy has been taken from her, she put him to bed last night and will never see him alive again and what makes it worse is that his life was taken by his own Father.
I came home tonight and I picked up my daughter, I held her tight and kissed her all over. I listened to her happy chatter about her day, we read a book together and I couldn’t help but think about this poor baby. All of the milestones that he must have achieved, was he chatting happily as my little one does, did he run to his Father to greet him every day when he arrived home? Was he cheeky and mischievious, full of fun and giggles?
I love my children with every part of myself and although I whinge and complain about them, they are from my body, they are my heart and I cannot begin to fathom what deep, dark place this man must have reached. I only wish that he had’ve reached out for help before it got to this. I grieve for this little boy whose life has ended before it had barely begun and for his poor Mother, I cannot even begin to imagine how she must feel.
Hold your children tight tonight and please never ever be afraid to ask for help. Nothing can be so hopeless that it warrants this.
RIP Little One xoxox
Chop her into bits!!!!!!!!
The beginning of a new school year is always an apprehensive time for children and parents alike. It is really difficult getting new teachers and settling into a new class. Some years have been more successful than others, there are teachers that the kids (and us) have liked more than others and of course there have been kids in each class that they have gotten along with better than others.
Even though we are only 4 weeks into the new school year already we have had a few teething problems. I was really dreading this year particularly because last year was such a good one for all of the children. We had teachers that were perfect for them and they were very happy and settled. When you get teachers that you really like you just don’t want the year to end. This year things are very different for them all. We have split our twins up for the first time ever, this has it’s good points and not so good. It gives them some independence from each other but we now have to deal with three different teachers. My older son, Dylan has been struggling with the different teaching style of his new teacher. He had a teacher last year that he loved and the teacher that he has now is very different.
My biggest worry at the beginning of the year is how our daughter Savarnah is going to deal with it, as I have mentioned she is autistic so change always affects her behaviour. Already her behaviour at home has been quite erratic, which we always expect. Savarnah stuggles socially more than academically, she is quite bright but she has social difficulties. Unfortunately Savarnah is an easy target in the playground, she has been coming home complaining about a particular girl in her class being mean to her. As I usually do I told her to stay away from her. I always ask them how their day was when I pick them up and lately she has been saying she had a bad day because of this girl. So today I asked her exactly what she was doing to be mean to her?
She told me that this girl has been telling her that she is going to chop her up into a million bits. She chases her around everywhere and when she catches up with her she shakes her and makes her cry. The difficulty with Savarnah being autistic is that sometimes it is difficult to get a straight story out of her but this time I do genuinely believe that she is telling me the truth. When I asked Savarnah had she told the teacher she said that she had but the teacher said exactly what I said to her. Stay away. But then as it turns out she hasn’t told the teacher that this girl is threatening to chop her head off either. So looks like I am off to see the teacher in the morning! Stay tuned to find out how that goes
Why I run?
We always hear a lot of people complaining about their weight. With all the Biggest Losers and Excess Baggage shows on, it is a hot topic these days everywhere we go. Now I must admit I myself am not the picture of skinniness, nope far from it. I have got excess baggage in places that I would rather not have it! I can’t even use the excuse that I’ve had 4 children because it was there before I had them anyway. But! there is a difference between the overweight me and some (not all) overweight others. I am fat but fit, now I wouldn’t say that I am run a marathon fit but I did run 5km before breakfast this morning. Yes it was a slow 5km but at least I did it! I run between 3-5km about 2-3 times a week at 6.30am before my husband goes to work, I do pilates once a week and I play 4 sets of tennis every Friday morning. I am about to start bootcamp with a friend who is a personal trainer, I am not sure that this is a wise move but I am willing to give it a shot!
I know that I am lucky in the fact that I don’t work and that my husband is home until 7.30 in the mornings which enables me to go out. But I have a belief that where there is a will there is a way. I know from personal experience how hard it can be to lose weight but I know that it will never happen if you don’t have definitive motivation for doing it. I have found that for my own sanity I have to exercise. I am miserable and tired and grumpy if I haven’t exercised for more than a week. I have many reasons why I exercise.
This is what keeps me running up hills at the crack of dawn:
I have rheumatoid arthritis, how it affects me is that my body aches and my joints feel like they are seizing up. Sometimes I can go through stages when it is really good and I am free of pain but I have flair ups occasionally and I can barely move. It is particularly bad in the winter time, the cold makes my bones ache. What helps me to relieve the pain of the arthritis is moving, if I stop moving for too long I seize up. When I get up in the morning I am like a granny hobbling along until I get moving. The running/jogging helps a lot, the more I move the better I feel. I still get the aches but my joints don’t seize up as much.
I have high cholesterol. Or I should say that I had high cholesterol. For the last few years my doctor has been telling me that my cholesterol is too high, at one stage after giving birth to my daughter it was up to 8, normal is 5.5. I have a low fat diet and have always exercised but still couldn’t get it down under 6.7. Since I started running a year ago I have lost 22kgs and I was very happy to find out recently that my cholesterol is now down to 5.7 which is almost normal.
Cancer. My Mother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer over three years ago, this was scary enough in itself but it also scared me because it meant that I could get it too one day. Everything that I have read and heard says that being overweight and unfit also increases your likelihood of getting cancer, I want to do everything that I possibly can to try and avoid it.
Old age is a bitch. The fitter and healthier you are when you are old the easier life can be.
I know that life is busy, we work, we’ve got kids, blah blah blah…….exercise can be hard, it’s hard to say no to chocolate, chips, lollies whatever your vice is, it’s hard to find the time. I have four kids, there are days when I am exhausted and my bed is nice and cosy but I drag myself out of it to plod around the block. It is a good way to start the day, gets it out of the way early and it only takes half an hour out of my day. I like doing it first thing in the morning, if I leave it until later in the day then I get tired or busy and don’t end up going. I have always tried to make the effort to do something, even when the kids were babies I used to put them in the pram every morning and go walking with them.
These are my motivators but everyone needs to realise what their own motivation is. I like the saying where there is a will there is a way. If you really want something badly enough then you have to find a way to make it happen 
Don’t think – just run!
I think that I have probably mentioned in previous posts that my oldest son, Dylan is the sportstar in our family. He is a pretty good runner and both he and his younger brother competed on the weekend in a Regional Athletics Carnival. What this meant was if they placed in the top 4 in the final of the event they would qualify to compete in that event at the State Athletics Championships. Dylan was lucky enough to qualify in two running events, the 70m and 200m sprints. His younger brother, god love him, does his best but unfortunately he never does very well. He is only in the Under 8 age group so they get a participation medal and aren’t old enough to compete at a State level yet.
If there is a mystery to me in life it is my oldest son. Of my four children he is completely different than the other three. They are all different to each other in a lot of ways but Dylan is waaay out in left field. My husband and I often wonder how we can have 3 children who are quite similar to each other and then there is Dylan???
Dylan is a perfectionist, he has a fire in his belly and a determination that people don’t get to see very often. He is a very shy boy who lacks a lot of confidence. But put the kid on a running track and he comes alive. Dylan started running almost as soon as he could walk. It was his kindy teacher when he was just 4 years old that told me ‘the boy can run’, she suggested we sign him up to little athletics so we did. Sports has been a saviour for Dylan, it has been where he has developed his confidence and his self worth. He has made what I am sure will be life long friendships and he has discovered what it is that he loves.
Our three younger children are very confidence and very exuberant. Dylan is very reserved, he is an introvert, holds everything inside and feels things deeply. As I have said he is a perfectionist, he is very hard on himself and if he does not achieve what he sees as being good enough he will beat himself up terribly over it.
My husband accuses me of being too easy on him, I know that I can be but it is hard to be any other way when the kid hardly puts a foot out of line. He does not argue with me, he does what he is told. He is helpful, always willing to to jobs without being asked. He is a Mummy’s boy, I will admit that The difficulty that I have with Dylan that I don’t have with the others is that he needs constant reassurance and building up. Because he takes things so hard he has very little resilliance, as a mother it is hard, you want to protect your child from things that will hurt or disappoint them but in Dylan’s case, at times although I may want to rush in and make it all better for him, I often will restrain myself, as harsh as this may sound he needs to be beaten, he needs to feel disappointment. I will always tell him that I am proud of him and that he has done well, whether he comes first or last as long as he does his best, in my eyes he is always a winner. What will build the resilliance that Dylan needs is the hurt of disappointment unfortunately.
He was lucky that he qualified to compete at state on Sunday because Saturday night he was at home in tears. He hadn’t qualified in the events that he competed in that day. He had only just missed out but in his eyes it wasn’t good enough. He builds things up too much in his mind and puts too much pressure on himself. He has two kids in his age group that are quicker than him, they come in 1,2,3 every week. Before last season Dylan hadn’t once been beaten in a race and then this kid rocks up and wipes the floor with him. He is actually a great kid and he and Dylan are like best mates but he rocked Dylan’s confidence to the core. He could’ve given up running there and then, he was so down on himself, as a 8 year old naturally it was the end of the world. But he wants it too badly, he has worked hard this season to pick himself up, he gets Personal Bests nearly every week and is doing really well. I take him to the track every week while his sister is at dance classes, he wanted to do it, he enjoys running on the track and likes to watch the ‘professional’ athletes run.
Dylan(number 97)with his 200m State Relay teammates
I have often thought that having children like my younger three is a pain, they are so loud and boisterous and all out there. But at least there is no mystery with them, you know exactly what is going on in their heads. My two year old made her way out into the middle of the running track yesterday, they held up the race so I could run out to retrieve her, everyone thought it was a great joke. But that is Sienna, she is confident, she’s over the top out there. But try having a totally different child such as Dylan. Here is a kid that has fantastic potential as an athlete but the thing that could end Dylan’s sporting career before it even begins is his head. I have often told Dylan, he runs with his legs not his head. He thinks too much. He looks at his opposition, sizes them all up and then decides he can’t beat them. Race is lost before it’s even run! He worries about what he can’t control. I tell him don’t think, just run!
Dylan is built like an athlete, he is tall, lean and has lovely long legs for running. He does it with ease, he has a great stride and it is fantastic to watch him run in a race when he is feeling good and his head is empty. I can always tell when Dylan is running with a heavy head, it translates to his legs and slows him down. He is more than capable of doing much better than he does if he would only believe in himself.
I feel for my son, I know how he feels because he is like me in so many ways. He inherited his fathers level headedness and kind nature but he inherited from me his shyness and lack of confidence. When Dylan is comfortable in his surrounds he is a kind, caring, loving child with a quick wit and a dry sense of humour. It never ceases to amaze me how grown up and mature he is, he spoke yesterday of his success after having felt so deflated on Saturday and he told me that he just wanted to put it behind him and do better today. When I asked him what he was thinking before his race, he said nothing I just stared at the golf ball. (Where we were there is a big weather station that looks like a golfball). I was proud that he was able to put his mind to it and move on from his disappointment. I know that as his Mother I am bias but I believe in my son and I believe that whatever he puts his mind to he can achieve. And you will hear me screaming from the sidelines I am sure!!
Be honest….it helps.
I certainly have never claimed to be any sort of expert on parenting, I definitely don’t have all of the answers. But I will always be honest about it. Sometimes I feel like Mums can be so judgemental of each other, we should all be on the same team not critisising each other. Any mother that tells her friends that life is fantastic every single day and her kids are perfect little angels all the time, in my opinion, is not telling the truth. Lets be honest with each other and with ourselves, because honesty helps. It helps us to realise that we are all in the same boat, our kids piss us off. It’s the truth, we love them to death but they piss us off. There is nothing wrong with admitting that, it doesn’t make us a bad mother, we shouldn’t be locked up for saying it, it’s just the truth. We are humans, we are people before we are mothers.
What pisses me off about my kids:
The whining – Muuuuuuuummm. I hate that.
I want
Why not
The noise, i really hate how noisy kids are
The fighting
Wanting what someone else has
Dobbing each other in
They make a mess
They will NEVER do what they are asked
They ALWAYS complain about everything
They are annoying
I believe that we put too much pressure on ourselves to be the perfect mother, society puts too much pressure on us to be perfect. There is no such thing. I’m not perfect, you’re not perfect so don’t even try and bullshit me that you are because no one is. There’s always this expectation that we have to live up to. Our kids have to be well behaved, they have to do well at school, they have to be polite and well mannered, they must not be smartass’s, they have to have lots of friends, they have to look clean and tidy. We want them to be good people and grow up to be successful. Naturally we want those things for our children but we also want them to be those things for us. So we can give ourselves a pat on the back and say I did a good job. Thank god I didn’t stuff them up. Because whatever our children are and whatever they become it will be a reflection on us. How often have you heard the saying about troublesome children, well you only have to look at the parents?? Because whatever our children are, it is a reflection on us. We are responsible, not only do we think it but society thinks it.
I believe that I am a good mother, I love my kids and I will always support them no matter what but I am honest with myself and I am honest with my friends. My kids are not perfect and I am not perfect, there are days when I wish that I have never had them, there are days when I honestly can’t stand the sight of them. I feel guilty saying that but I am honest about it. It never lasts long, I get over it. They give me a big cuddle and tell me that I’m the best Mum in the world and even though I laugh at them saying that, it means a lot to me because I know that they really do mean it. It is those times that keep me going
What I love about my kids:
They are beautiful
They are happy
They love me
They play
They laugh
They are smart
They are talented
They are bright
They are funny
They are MINE
The Washing Queen
No actually it’s the opposite, I just used that title to get peoples attention! I am infact domestically challenged, well actually if I am honest with myself I really am just plain lazy 
I just ironed……why is that such a statement?? Well……in the 12 years that my husband and I have been together I think that maybe this might be the first time I’ve ever ironed his clothes?? This may well be a horrifying thought to some people, I know that it horrifies my Mother in law that I don’t iron my husbands clothes but then there is a lot about me that horrifies her But then I am sure that she only just stopped wiping his nose for him when he left home. She tuts at the fact that I don’t care if it rains on my washing but then I don’t have all day to sit there and watch it dry like she does and bring it in one piece at a time as it dries! She is downright scathing of me putting the washing on and then leaving it in the machine all day before I hang it out. She will come to my house and ask with hope in her eyes do I have any washing? When I get home she will have washed it, brought it in and folded it. Then she will give me the approximate time that she expects anything that is still on the line to be dry. Sometimes she even rings me when she gets home to see if I got it in or not. I just tell her I have. I have been caught out on occasion when I’ve told her that I got it in and she happens to come the next day and it’s still out there……oops!!
She used to put it away but after a million times of us telling her not to go into our draws to put the washing away she finally got the idea. Not that there is anything in there that she shouldn’t see but do you really want your mother in law going through your underwear drawer. I did infact plant something in the draw one day to give her a little thrill, I’m not sure whether she saw it or not but she no longer goes in there!
We call her the Washing Queen. Sometimes she will come to my house and take our sheets home to wash them. What does that say about me?? Either I am not capable of washing them myself or she just thinks that they are overdue for a wash so if I’m not going to do it then she will. She has this thing with fluffy fabric softener, don’t ask me how but everything that she washes comes back smelling like fluffy. When I get into bed at night I am overpowered by the smell of it.
So today I was forced to iron, I got the clothes off the line two days ago and they have sat in the basket since. This morning I had nothing to wear and had to dig something out of the basket, when I pulled it out it looked like a semi-trailer had run over it. So I had to break my no ironing rule. I can’t say whether it will happen again, don’t tell the washing queen but I must admit clothes do actually look better when they are ironed!
